AUTHOR: James C. Dobson TITLE: The Focus on the Family Newsletter DATE: February 1995 PUBLICATION: The Focus on the Family Newsletter ORGANIZATION: Focus on the Family Colorado Springs, CO 80995 (719)531-3400 (800)232-6459 KEYWORDS: Valentine's Day, George Gilder, E.V. Hill FILENAME: fofn9502.txt CONTRIBUTOR: David McMeans SUMMARY: Dr. Dobson uses Valentine's Day to illustrate the fundamental needs of husband and wife, NOTES: This letter may be reprinted without change and in its entirety for non-commercial purposes without prior permission from Focus on the Family. Copyright (c) 1995, Focus on the Family. All Rights Reserved. February 1995 Dear Friends, February 14 is Valentine's Day, a time designated for lovers of all ages. The concept of a day set aside for romanticism was conceived, no doubt, by florists, candy makers and the publishers of pretty red greeting cards. And for good reason. Businesses rake in big-time profits simply by offering people creative ways to say "I love you" at this time of the year. Despite its commercial underpinnings, I think Valentine's Day is a great idea. Men need all the help they can get in remembering that their wives are incurable romantics. I certainly do. I had trouble understanding Shirley's romantic nature when we were newlyweds. Indeed, our first Valentine's Day was a disaster. I had gone to the USC library that morning and spent eight or ten hours poring over dusty books and journals. I had forgotten that it was February 14. What was worse, I was oblivious to the preparations that were going on at home. Shirley had cooked a wonderful dinner, baked a pink, heart-shaped cake with "Happy Valentine's Day" written on the top, placed several red candles on the table, wrapped a small gift she had bought for me, and then she wrote a little love note on a greeting card. The stage was set. She would meet me at the front door with a kiss and a hug. But there I sat on the other side of Los Angeles, blissfully unaware of the storm that gathered overhead. About 8 p.m., I got hungry and ordered a hamburger at the University Grill. After eating it, I moseyed out to where my Volkswagen was parked and headed toward home. Then I made a terrible mistake that I would regret for many moons. I stopped by to see my parents, who lived near the freeway. Mom greeted me warmly and served up a great slice of apple pie. That sealed my doom. When I finally put my key in the lock about 10 p.m., I knew instantly that something was horribly wrong. I'm very perceptive about subtleties like that. The apartment was almost dark, and all was deathly quiet. There on the table was a coagulated dinner still sitting in our best dishes and bowls. Half-burned candles stood cold and dark in their silver-plated holders. It appeared that I had forgotten something important? But what? Then I noticed the red and white decorations on the table. "Oh no!" I thought. So there I stood in the semi-darkness of our little living room, feeling like a creep. I didn't even have a Valentine, much less a thoughtful gift, for Shirley. No romantic thoughts had crossed my mind all day. I couldn't even pretend to want the dried-out food that sat before me. After a brief flurry of words, and a few tears, Shirley went to bed and pulled the covers up around her ears. I would have given a thousand dollars for a true, plausible explanation for where I'd been. There just wasn't one. It didn't help to tell her, "I stopped by my mom's house for a piece of great apple pie." Fortunately, Shirley is not only a romantic lady, but she is a forgiving one, too. We talked about my thoughtlessness late that night and came to an understanding. I learned a big lesson about Valentine's Day and determined never to forget it. I'll bet, however, that I'm not the only brute who has underestimated the importance of February 14. There must be several million guys who can identify with my failure as a husband. Once I understood the ways my wife differed from me -- especially regarding romantic things -- I began to get with the program. One day I came home from work and asked Shirley to join me for a date, which I called "Old Haunts." I took her to many of the places we had visited when we were going together in college. We went to the Pasadena Playhouse, where we had seen a theater performance on our second date. We walked through Farmers Market and then ate pizza an Micelle's Italian restaurant in Pasadena, which was famous for cherry pie and coffee. It was a wonderful afternoon and evening together, and I assure you, Shirley loved it. Why have I chosen to write about Valentine's Day in this letter -- especially since it may reach your home after February 14? Because it is never too late to put a little excitement in your relationship. Romantic love is the fuel that powers the female engine, and any married man who forgets it may be needing the services of a good tow truck. Unfortunately, most of us get so busy earning a living that we often drift away from the things that drew us together in the first place. Thus, my letter this month is a gentle reminder to men that marriages must be nurtured or they can wither like a plant without water. There is more than one perspective on every substantive issue, however, and we need to look at the other side of this one. The task of maintaining a marriage is not exclusively a masculine responsibility. It should be shared equally by men and women. Wives must understand and meet the unique needs of their husbands, too. That is an idea you may not have heard in awhile. Let me be more specific. It is my conviction that Christian writers, myself included, have tended to overstate the masculine responsibilities in marriage and to understate the feminine. Men have been criticized for the failures at home, and yes, many of us deserve those criticisms. But women are imperfect people, too, and their shortcomings should also be addressed. One of them is the failure of some wives to show respect and admiration for their husbands. George Gilder, the brilliant social commentator and author of _Men and Marriage_, believes women are actually more important to the stability and productivity of men than men are to the well-being of women. I'm inclined to agree. When a wife believes in her husband and deeply respects him, he gains the confidence necessary to compete successfully and live responsibly. She gives him a reason to harness his masculine energy -- to build a home, obtain and keep a job, remain sober, live within the law, spend money wisely, etc. Without positive feminine influence, he may redirect the power of testosterone in a way that is destructive to himself and to society at large. We see Gilder's insight played out in the inner city today. Our welfare system has rendered men virtually unnecessary. In millions of situations, they are not needed to provide for or protect their families. Assistance programs put food on the table. In fact, financial aid actually decreases if men remain in the home. Who needs 'em? When maintenance problems occur in the tenement buildings, they will be fixed by the Department of Housing and Urban Development. When children get in trouble, social workers step in. Thus, a man's role in a family may not extend much beyond the act of impregnation. Perhaps, as Gilder contends, this explains in part why drug abuse, alcoholism, crime and absentee fathers are rampant in inner-city settings. Men have been separated from their historic role as providers and protectors, which strips them of masculine pride and robs them of meaning and purpose. Thus, as Gilder said, their energy becomes a destructive force instead of powering growth and development within a family. Let's apply this concept now to you and me. What should a woman do for a man that will relate directly to his masculine nature? In a word, she can build his confidence. This vital role is best illustrated by one of my favorite stories told by my friend E. V. Hill. Dr. Hill is a dynamic black minister and the senior pastor at Mr. Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Los Angeles. He lost his precious wife, Jane to cancer a few years ago. in one of the most moving message I've ever heard, Dr. Hill spoke about Jane at her funeral and described the ways this "classy lady" made him a better man. As a struggling young preacher, E. V. had trouble earning a living. That led him to invest the family's scarce resources, over Jane's objections, in the purchase of a service station. She felt her husband lacked the time and expertise of oversee his investment, which proved to be accurate. Eventually, the station went broke and E. V. lost his shirt in the deal. It was a critical time in the life of this young man. He had failed at something important, and his wife would have been justified in saying, "I told you so." But Jane had an intuitive understanding of her husband's vulnerability. Thus, when E. V. called to tell her that he had lost the station, she said simply, "All right." E. V. came home that night expecting his wife to be pouting over his foolish investment. Instead, she sat down with him and said, "I've been doing some figuring. I figure that you don't smoke and you don't drink. If you smoked and drank, you would have lost as much as you lost in the service station. So, it's six in one hand and a half-dozen in the other. Let's forget it." Jane could have shattered her husband's confidence at that delicate juncture. The male ego is surprisingly fragile, especially during times of failure and embarrassment. That's why E. V. needed to hear her say, "I still believe in you," and that is precisely the message she conveyed to him. Shortly after the fiasco with the service station, E. V. came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candlelight dinner for two. "What meaneth thou this?" he said with characteristic humor. "Well," said Jane, "we're going to eat by candlelight tonight." E. V. thought that was a great idea and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light. Then he felt his way into the bedroom and flipped another switch. Darkness prevailed. The young pastor went back to the dining room and asked Jane why the electricity was off. She began to cry. "You work so hard, and we're trying," said Jane, "but it's pretty rough. I didn't have quite enough money to pay the light bill. I didn't want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight." Dr. Hill described his wife's words with intense emotion: "She could have said, 'I've never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had our light cut off.' She could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, 'Somehow or another we'll get these light on. But let's eat tonight by candlelight.'" E. V. continued, "She was my protector. [Some years ago] I received quite a few death threats, and one night I received notice that I would be killed the next day. I woke up thankful to be alive. But I noticed that she was gone. I looked out the window and my car was gone. I went outside, and finally, saw her driving up in her robe. I said, 'Where have you been?' She said, 'I ... I ... it just occurred to me that they [could have] put a bomb in that car last night, and if you had gotten in there you would have been blown away. So I got up and drove it. It's all right.'" Jane Hill must have been and incredible lady. Of her many gifts and attributes, I am most impressed by her awareness of the role she played in strengthening and supporting her husband. E. V. Hill is a powerful Christian leader today. Who would have believed that he needed his wife to build and preserve his confidence? But that is the way men are made. Most of us are a little shaky inside, especially during early adulthood. It was certainly true for me. Shirley has contributed immeasurably to my development as a man. I've said many times that she believed in me before I believed in myself, and that her respect gave me the confidence with which to compete, and strive and risk. Most of what I'm doing today can be traced to the love of this devoted woman who stood beside me saying, "I'm glad to be on your team." What I've tried to say this month is that the sexes are designed with highly specific -- but quite different -- psychological needs. Each is vulnerable to the other in unique ways. When reduced to the basics, women need men to be romantic, caring and loving. Men need women to be respectful, supportive and loyal. These are not primarily cultural influences that are learned in childhood, as some would have us believe. They are deeply rooted forces in the human personality. Indeed, the Creator observed Adam's loneliness in the Garden of Eden and said, "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18, NIV). So He made him a help mate, a partner, a lover -- designed to link with him emotionally and sexually. In so doing, He invented the family and gave it His blessing and ordination. Unfortunately, millions of marriages are in trouble today because of an inability of the sexes to get along. Perhaps the fundamental problem is one of selfishness. We're so intent on satisfying our own desires that we fail to recognize the longings of our partners. The institution of marriage works best when we think less about ourselves and more about the ones we love. Again, the basic needs of each gender are straight-forward. Women need to be loved, not just on Valentine's Day but all year round, and men need to be respected, especially when the going gets tough. That understanding is hardly new. In fact, it is ancient. Here's the way the apostle Paul described it nearly 2,000 years ago: "... each one of you [men] must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33, NIV). Love and respect. It's an unbeatable combination -- on Valentine's Day and throughout the year. Thanks for reading along with me this month. Let me remind you that Focus on the Family is dedicated to the stability of your home. That's why it exists as a ministry. You and your family are extremely important to us. We'd love to hear from you when time permits. Sincerely, James C. Dobson, Ph.D. President P.S. After writing this letter, I was advised that Focus on the Family's contributed income is significantly below budget at this critical time of the year. What this means is that we will not be able to support all the programs and ministries to which we are committed in 1995. We would be especially grateful for any assistance you can provide. Thanks so much. 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